jess -to the- ika

for real

Mon, 01 Jul 2002 07:38:47 GMT

okay add binaryxstar for real this time!

for real.

Thu, 27 Jun 2002 08:03:01 GMT

i wonder if he realizes how much that hurt.
after he says that shit to me, then I tell HIM that i love him,
and he doesnt say it back.
feels good.

makes me think. this isnt fucking love.
this is pure hell.

;)

Thu, 27 Jun 2002 05:38:41 GMT

betty's voice gives me chills...

hey guess what? since i dont post anymore i didnt tell any of you! i'm going to take singing classes soon :)
not that i need them. *sticks nose in air*
lol just kidding.. but yeah it'll be fun.

okay bye bye journal.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Thu, 27 Jun 2002 05:09:09 GMT

sneak x thief: everyone says theres stuff in the water here cuz we all have big boobs
jess to the ika: lol!
jess to the ika: maybe something in the water here makes us have one boob bigger than the other

HOLY CRIZAP I <3 CHEL

Thu, 27 Jun 2002 04:04:59 GMT

ME AND CHEL HAVE FUN! I AM HYPER.

YES I AM STILL DELETING MY JOURNAL JUST HANG ON A SEC!!!! *TYPED HANG ON A SEX*
I'M HORNY.

sneak x thief: what the hell is that m/ thing
jess to the ika: who knows
jess to the ika: oh i know, its supposd to look like that stupid simbol people do with their hands you know
sneak x thief: LOL NO!
jess to the ika: WHAT.
jess to the ika: what is going on
sneak x thief: what symbol???
jess to the ika: YOU KNOW
sneak x thief: lol i dont understand!
jess to the ika: hang on let me do it
sneak x thief: LOL OK!
jess to the ika: LOL IM CRACKING UP
jess to the ika: \m/!!!!
sneak x thief: LMAO!
sneak x thief: OH!
jess to the ika: LOL
jess to the ika: DO YOU GET IT NOW
sneak x thief: YEA!
sneak x thief: I THOUGHT YOU MEANT LIKE WHATVER!
sneak x thief: and i was like waht the hell?
jess to the ika: LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sneak x thief: OMG
THIS IS FUNNY!

jess to the ika:
jess to the ika: lol!
jess to the ika: I HYPER
jess to the ika: DSFJKLJLKD;F;JDSF
sneak x thief: fjKLAJ:KDJA LMASO!
!

!
\
jess to the ika: WHAT EVAAAAAAAA
jess to the ika: LAMO!!!!!! THAT WOULD BE SO FUNNY IF _____ MEANT THAT
sneak x thief: ASSSSSSSSSS IFFFFFFFF
sneak x thief: LOL HE PROLLY DID!
jess to the ika: LMAO!!!!!!!
jess to the ika: OMG I CANT BREATHE
sneak x thief: ME EITHER
I"M DYING!
jess to the ika: LOL!
sneak x thief: "______ _____ _______ _______ _____, like whatever!"
sneak x thief: LMAO!
sneak x thief: HOW HOMO!
jess to the ika: LMAO OMG
jess to the ika: I'M GOING TO PUKE
sneak x thief: LOLNO!
jess to the ika: I AM DOING SOMETHIGN REALLY FUNNY
sneak x thief: LOLL PIC?>!??!
'
jess to the ika: YOU SHALL SEE
sneak x thief: :D:D:D:D
jess to the ika: holy crap i'm going to piss my pants brb
sneak x thief: LOL OK!
jess to the ika: WEEEEEE
sneak x thief: send send SNEEEEDDDDDD I CNT WIAT!
jess to the ika: MAYBE IT AINT A PIC BITCH HOLD YOUR DAMN HORSE >:o
sneak x thief: LOL!!!!
sneak x thief: ok!

NOTE: _'S ARE THINGS THAT YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SEE >:O

Wed, 26 Jun 2002 06:42:36 GMT

actually. fuck it. i'm deleting this. and my other one. and everything.

i'm always doing something wrong.

fuck everything.

time out fo weal

Wed, 26 Jun 2002 04:50:13 GMT

new journal. friends only. i add no one until they add me.

binaryxstar

i'm going to delete this journal soon, as soon as everyone gets this entry.

it might be back someday, if i'm ever mrs. peters again.

thank you

puh.

Tue, 25 Jun 2002 19:49:34 GMT

stupid dreams. stupid, stupid dreams.

i was okay, and i felt happy(:O) until i had these dreams.
i dream that we are still together, and then i wake up.. and oh yeah, we're not.

this one was kinda funny..
i went to hug him in my dream, and i guess i really did go for it, and almost fell of the couch. lol.
<3
:\
:(

i go to counseling today. maybe that'll help.
my sister is taking me, well, i am driving, but she'll be there.
my mom is dropping off my medicine with her, for her to give me.. because i forgot it at home. maybe that will help, too.
actually, i know the one thing that will help.

tomorrow some people are coming over for a bbq. maybe kat and kendra would like to come? you can bring steve, kendra.
i'll just be all alone (as usual) with no friends, so please get back to me on this, i would love your company :)

sunday alyssa comes. we have some wild plans, let me tell you. mwuahah.
one of which, i'm not sure if i'm ready to do. it might be a mistake, and too soon. but we'll see how lonely i am, at the time.
speaking of lyss, she's at the damn incubus concert >:O
lucky ass...

i broke down lastnight, i got too weak. and i talked to him.
it may have been a bad idea.. but it made me feel good, just to hear from him again.
"you make it all go away"
you do, so much. i wish i could do the same for you.. you used to tell me i could :\
i'm an ass.
he made me feel like the bad guy, when i was just following my heart, like he's doing. i can never follow mine, he is always following his.
is that fair? seriously, tell me. i'm new to love and i have no idea.

*sigh* i'm going back to sleep.

Tue, 25 Jun 2002 05:36:21 GMT

i met someone wonderful tonight
they listened to everything i had to say
they didn't criticize me
they gave me their full attention
they didn't interrupt me
but when i went to give them a hug..
something funny happened...
then, i realized, that it was only a mirror.

i'm not a bad person, why must i be put through this?

hardness

Tue, 25 Jun 2002 01:29:41 GMT

so i was in my sisters car, and i looked in here little cubby thing, and there were two pictures that he had drawn. i'm guessing from when she drove him home.
i will keep these forever.

i wish he would talk to me. i wish he would call to at least ask me how i'm doing.
doesnt he wonder?
he doesn't read my journal anymore, or my away messages. doesnt he care anymore?
i wish he did. this is so hard.
just one call to let me know he still cares.

i didnt mean to hurt him so.
you really did it this time jessika.

i guess i'll go back to sleep with my phone. awaiting the call that will change my life.

lyss, and/or chel, i really want to talk to you guys tonight, it will be a hard night.
if i'm not on when either of you are, please, please call my cell. i'll be waiting.

810-488-1516

i can do it :)

Mon, 24 Jun 2002 05:38:48 GMT

i was thinking. what am i doing? why do i have to be so comlicated?
then i thought "you know, you can do this jessika.. you can do anything. you're not as weak as you think. he is being the weak one. let him get strength. and for the time being, just be happy. alyssa will be here in a week, for 2 whole weeks. you'll have so much fun.. and by the time shes gone.. who knows what might happen :)"

that's good i think.

but of course i want to go back to those days, more than anything.
we had so much fun, i cherished every second we spent together.
every smile, every laugh, every kiss, every hug, everything.
i want to go back and do it over again, but this time fix myself before this happens. who knows, maybe i'll get the chance to.
I love him. I love him so much
i miss his touch, i miss his smell, i miss so much.
i miss his goofy little smile he would get that would show me how much he loved me.
i miss looking into his eyes as he tells me the most beautiful things.
i miss how he would get shy when i told him nice things about him, and when i rubbed his freckles.
i miss his adorible laugh. oohh, his laugh. it made me feel so good when he laughed, because i knew he was happy, and i knew he was having fun.
i miss how he would always make me feel better. like when i had mono, i wanted him to take a bath with me so badly, but he didn't want to get sick.. but he risked it, for me, because he knew it would make me better. that was my favorite bath.
i miss waking up in his arms and seeing his eyes barely opened as he kisses my forehead.
i miss how he would pout if he wanted a kiss.
i miss those kisses. they were unlike anything you could believe.
our first kiss, i would go back to that any day. it felt like magic. i knew then, that we would be together forever. and i still know it.
i miss how he was so excited to talk to me after he got home from being out, or at work.
i miss how if i was down, he would be there to cheer me up.
i miss how we would make fun of eachother for bands that we like. hehe
i miss how i could pour my heart out to him.
i miss how we had long talks at night while laying in bed.
i miss how he was the only one i could trust.
i miss how he promised me we would be together forever.
i miss all of our plans.
i miss how we were so excited for it to be warm out.. and then we just sat inside and slept all day.
i miss our naps after we ate dinner.
i miss it all.
but most of all.....

i miss us.

it will hurt for a long time. but i can do it.

happy thing

Mon, 24 Jun 2002 05:02:13 GMT

i'm at my sisters for the week. i had to get out of my house, even though it's harder here.

i walk in, and i see stuff that he wrote still on the white board that they hadn't erased yet. so cute :)

i'm bringing everyone down.. i don't mean to. they should understand why i'm not my usual jolly self.

me, kat, and kendra are going to hang out while i'm here. they are good friends and are doing all that they can to keep me happy. thank you guys

this was a mistake, when will you see?

happy anniversary..... to nothing

i dont know

Mon, 24 Jun 2002 00:26:56 GMT

[Current Clothes ] pjs
[ Current Mood ] lonely
[ Current Music ] i can't listen to music anymore
[ Current Taste ] nothing
[ Current Make-up ] nothing
[ Current Hair ] dirty
[ Current Annoyance ] none
[ Current Smell ] outside
[ Current thing I ought to be doing ] not thinking about it
[ Current Desktop Picture ] stars
[ Current Favorite Group ] emotep taproot
[ Current Book you're reading] none
[ Current CD in CD Player] none
[Current DVD in player] none
[ Current Color Of Toenails ] marron
[ Current Refreshment ] none
[ Current Worry ] you all know

LAST PERSON...
[ You Touched ] mom
[ You Talked to ] lyss
[ You Hugged ] jon
[ You Instant messaged ] lyss
[ You Yelled At ] mom
[ You Kissed ] *sniff*

FAVORITE...

[ Food ] icecream
[ Drink ] tea
[ Color ] blue, black, pink
[ Album ] i dont know
[ Shoes ] my flops
[ Candy ] boston baked beans
[ Animal ] bunny
[ TV Show ] vids
[ Movie ] lots
[ Dance ] eh
[ Song ] lots
[ Vegetable ] green beans
[ Fruit ] strawberries.
[ Cartoon ] lots

ARE YOU...
[ Understanding ] i try
[ Open-minded ] sometimes
[ Arrogant ] i dunno
[ Insecure ] a little
[ Interesting ] probably not
[ Random ] ?
[ Hungry ] no
[ Friendly ] when i wanna be
[ Smart ] sometimes
[ Moody ] yeah
[ Childish ] yeah
[ Independent ] no
[ Hard working ] depends
[ Organized ] not lately
[ Healthy ] not lately
[ Emotionally Stable ] not lately
[ Shy ] yeah
[ Difficult ] yeah
[ Attractive ] i dont know
[ Bored Easily ] yes
[ Messy ] yeah
[ Thirsty ] no
[ Responsible ] depends
[ Obsessed ] so much
[ Angry ] no
[ Sad ] of course
[ Happy ] no
[ Hyper ] no
[ Trusting ] yeah
[ Talkative ] sometimes
[ Legal ] no

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
[ Kill ] no one
[ Slap ] no one
[ Get Really Wasted With ] no one
[ Get High With ] no one
[ Tickle ] my fave person to tickle
[ Look Like ] me
[ Talk To Offline ] jon
[ Talk To Online ] jon

eh

Sun, 23 Jun 2002 05:59:18 GMT

holy crap it is soo foggy. it's like seriously in my house.

i have to get up at like 7.

i get bored.. so i draw. i started it along time ago.. i just now got inspired to finish it.

whoa

Fri, 21 Jun 2002 20:55:15 GMT

oh fudge. i'm tired. after jon goes to work i think i'll nap some more :)

i post too much, don't i?

Fri, 21 Jun 2002 18:43:35 GMT

WHAT IS THIS REALLY SCARY STORM. ITS REALLY REALLY SCARY
TORNADOS

FUCK I'M GOING TO SLEEP IT AWAY

I NEED JON TO PROTECT :(

:D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fri, 21 Jun 2002 08:36:33 GMT

ignore all of those entries below. he's back. we're back. i knew this was meant to be! i knew it so much.

i love you jon. i love me. i love everyone! and everything :)

i am the happiest person, ever!!!!!!!!

*KISS*

i just need to get away

Thu, 20 Jun 2002 18:24:53 GMT

for now i have blocked everybody on my aim besides a selected few.
this won't be forever, i promise.
so if i'm online, you're not blocked.

:DDDD

Thu, 20 Jun 2002 18:11:04 GMT

he called me, he called me, HE CALLED ME!!!!!!!

HE CALLED ME!!!!!!!!</i></b>

how can this be the right. it hurts so bad unless i'm talking to him, or i know we are one.

he told me he loved me. oh how it made me smile!

i'm waiting

Thu, 20 Jun 2002 14:15:22 GMT
just got back from taking my psychology and government exams. i just cheated for the most part. but then i felt sick and just guessed on the rest.
i havent had anything to eat in 32 hours, except for a piece of cereal. then i threw it up.
i managed to get 4 hours of sleep lastnight, and i'll most likely go to sleep here in a few.

i can't do anything to keep my mind off you.
there is always something there to remind me. *sings that cool song* lol.
but seriously.
i can't go outside, it reminds me of all of our plans.
i can't watch tv, all the stuff i like to watch, we've always watched together.
i can't be on the computer, because well, you know why.
i can't listen to music, every song, every lyric, relates to you somehow.
i can't even sleep. it reminds me of cuddling up together.

don't feel bad. i'm not trying to make you. this is just my only way to communicate with you, and i need to tell you how i'm feeling.
i wish you would do the same, just so i know you're okay and that at least one of us are.

Thu, 20 Jun 2002 03:54:06 GMT
today has been long. very, very long. i'd like to sleep, but i'll be up all night. i don't care about my exams, i'm going to guess on them all.

my mom won $2100 at the casino lastnight. she gave me $100 for summer shopping, and said "money can't buy you happiness, but it does help." so me and leah might go to the mall sometime soon if i feel up to it.

this is what happens when you:
-don't eat
-don't sleep
-don't shower
-and cry
all day

Thu, 20 Jun 2002 00:27:40 GMT
this pain in my stomach, won't go away. i assume this is punishment, for all mistakes i've made.

*

Wed, 19 Jun 2002 13:18:03 GMT
sigh i'm bored. and i'll never be able to sleep.

i'm not taking my exams today because.. i'm not feeling too good.

lyss and i were inspired by jon to start working on our site again. its cute.

sooo. tonight i just stayed up talking to jon and lyss like usual. probably the last time we'll do that together.. who knows.

is anyone interested in going to the emotep concert this weekend? i really want to be there for their last show.. :\

1. First name: jessika
2. Last name: filthaut
3. Nickname: nothing
4. Screen name: xbinaryxstarx
5. Gender: female
6. Age: 17
7. Type of Music: non crappy.
8. Birthdate: feb 19
9. Birthplace: east china
10. Siblings: tons
11. Zodiac sign: pices
13. Current Location: algonac
14. Live with: mom
15. Name of current school: nothing
16. Grade: nothing
17. Graduation date/year: 2003
18. GPA: 3.3 or something
19. Height: 5'2
20. Hair color: brown
21. Highlights/dyed: kinda
22. Hair length: short
23. Eye color: brown.
24. Contacts/glasses: no
25. Freckles: i wish, they're cute.
26. Birthmark(s): yeah
27. Scar(s): eye, chin, forehead, wrists.
28. Type(s) of clothes you wear: whatever
29. Cologne/Perfume you wear: whatever
30. Deodorant you use: secret

believe it or not
31. Aliens: kinda
32. Angels: no
33. Demons: no
34. Heaven & Hell: no
35. God: no
36. Your friends: dont have any.

friendships
37. Best friend: i dont have one anymore
38. Last friend you talked to: lyss
39. Funniest: lyss
40. Silliest: lyss
41. Loudest: alyssa is my only friend.
42. Stupidest:
43. Sweetest:
44. Weirdest:
45. Best at keeping secrets:
46. Most hyper:
47. Most annoying:
48. Friend you miss most:
49. Friend you've known the longest:
50. Friend you haven't known long:

word association
51. Bill Clinton: sexy
52. Lollipops: candy
53. Whipped Cream: good
54. Dreams: sleep
55. Love: depression
56. South Park: comedy central
57. Guys: stupid
58. Girls: stupid
59. Death: sounds great.
60. Bubble gum: sick
61. Water: fall
62. Ice Cream: my fav food :(
63. Oil: nigs
64. Phone: call
65. Food: good
66. Kiss: i need one.
67. Pretzels: stealing
68. Britney Spears: fake
69. School: stupid
70. Floppy: penis
71. Shoes: good

have you ever
72. Been on a plane: when i was 1
73. Cried in public: yeah
74. Climbed a tree: yes
75. Gotten in a physical fight: yeah
76. Drank alcohol: yeah
77. Fell asleep in a movie theater: no
78. Driven a car: yeah
79. Been arrested: no
80. Broken curfew: yeah
81. Been pulled over when driving: no
82. Farted in public: yeah all the time
83. Met a celebrity: yeah
84. Skipped school: yes
85. Went to a pro sports game: no
86. Met the president: no
87. Been scared to get shot: no
88. Smoke a cigarette: like once
89. Gotten a cavity: yeah
90. Done any drugs: yeah
91. Shopped at Abercrombie & Fitch: no
92. Gone skinny-dipping: no

favorite
93. Food: chinese
94. Drink: water
95. TV show: nothing
96. Movie: nothing
97. CD: emotep
98. Song: now
99. Color: blue and black
100. Day of the week: Friday
101. Month: july
102. Number: 24
103. Favorite Car: mine
104. Cookie: chocolate chip
105. Toothpaste: whatev
106. Ice Cream: blue moon
107. Candy bar: none
108. LJ: mine. jons
109. Subject: art
110. Artist/band: tr emotep
111. Shampoo/conditioner: whatever
112. Website: mine, jons
113. Sports to play: nothing
114. Sports to watch: nothing
115. Place: somewhere i'm not allowed to be anymore
116. Vacation spot: i dont know
117. Kind of candle: sss
118. Color eyes: green
119. Smoke? no
120. Do drugs? no
121. Drink? no
122. Have sex? im not sure
123. Sleep with stuffed animals? clif
124. Have a crush? yes
125. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no
126. Have a dream that keeps coming back? i hope
127. Play an instrument? sometimes
128. Read the newspaper? no
129. Have any gay or lesbian friends? yeah
130. Believe in miracles? yeah
131. Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? i used to
132. Consider yourself tolerant of others? no
133. Consider police a friend or foe? iono
134. Like the taste of alcohol? hate it
135. Have a favourite Stooge? nah
136. Believe in astrology? no
137. Believe in magic? dunno
138. Pray? i did a few minutes ago
139. Go to church? no
140. Have any secrets? yeah
141. Have any pets? dog gerb
142. Go to or plan to go to college? i dont know my plans anymore
143. Talk to strangers who instant message you? no
144. Wear hats? in the winter
145. Have any piercings? yeah
146. Have any tattoos? not yet
147. Hate yourself? yes
148. Wish on stars? i'm gonna start, i'll do anything
149. Like your handwriting? i dotn know
150. Have any bad habits? yes
151. Have a second family? i thought i did
152. Trust others easily? no
153. Like sarcasm? yes
154. Take walks in the rain? no
155. Kiss with your eyes closed? i love to watch jon's eyes when he kisses me, i wish i could see it again someday.
156. Sing in the shower? yes

sigh

Wed, 19 Jun 2002 01:27:47 GMT
today was a waste of my time.
so, i go to bed all early lastnight, and get up at 8 this morning to go take my exam at 9. i get to the fucking school and oh, no one is there. fucking cool. i love my school, it's very organized.
so now i get to take them tomorrow-friday. yes. just how i want to spend my fucking friday. whatever.

so i came home and went back to sleep. i woke up at 3 and talked to jon which was a relief, i haven't talk to him in awhile. we don't really get to talk anymore, with me doing exam stuff and sleeping, and him working and hanging out with chums. i thought this summer we would talk/hang out so much more. but we do less of both. sigh.

i just sat around and i had to go to my first counseling appointment at 6:30. we had to be there at 6, though, to fill out paper work. which took years.
there were a bunch of crazy people there.
my counseler is alright.. she's nice. she's canadian, so i like that.. i like her accent.
my mom stayed in there with me cause i was shy. we just talked about why i decided to go, and what my goal was. we talked about my sister, jon, and alyssa. she seems to like alyssa already, lol. and jon, too.
i have to go every tuesday for 45 minutes.

when i came home we went to get carryout from bobe. i came home and ate it, and then went out on the dock with lexie and puff. puff left so i just sat there and fished with lexie. i caught a perch! it was so exciting. *throws it in the pile that we are fring for our party* it's cute.

now i'm just sitting here about to study for exams. i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow. but i should try and find something to do since jon won't be home.
i'll probably just sleep/sit here.

come over right now alyssa

gay exams

Tue, 18 Jun 2002 01:17:17 GMT
today was okayyyyyyyy.

i went to the mall with leah and wasted my money on flip flops. i don't really care cause i needed them.
i was looking for a present for alyssa, but everything was too much. i'll get her something later, or maybe buy her something while she's here. omg i can't wait.

after i came home my brother brought my car back. i guess it's fixed. me and puff cruised the strip and i almost got in a head on collision. it was really scary. i don't feel like talking about it so you can just ask safetydancer about it becasue she knows everything about me and what happens in my life.

then a really scary storm occured and i just sat here.

i worked on my exam review, and now i have to study for it. i get to drive myself to school tomorrow. i have to take my psych exam at 9. then i'm just coming home and sleeping for ever.